Remember the good old days, when if you saw somebody wearing jeans covered in mud, you could reasonably assume, “I bet he’s been in mud recently?” You can’t be so sure anymore. Maybe he’s an active guy, somebody who works hard or plays hard. Or maybe he’s just a douchebag with an extra $400 to spend on fake mud.
Yes, fake mud. Nordstrom, the luxury retailer, has recently unveiled their latest bizarre clothing item, Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans. Available for a staggering $425, each pair comes with a “crackled, caked-on muddy coating” that demonstrates “you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.” You know another way of demonstrating that you’re not afraid to get down and dirty? By actually getting down and dirty.
Let’s put this in perspective. You can buy a regular pair of straight leg jeans on the Nordstrom website for just $40. That means the going rate for mud, or at least Nordstrom’s synthetic mud, is $385. That’s pretty expensive for something that’s widely available just about anywhere on the planet for free. Why not use that $400 and buy 10 pairs of regular Nordstrom jeans and then roll around in the mud with them? Now you can look like an authentic train hobo every day of the week.
But maybe it’s not about the money. Maybe there are people out there who don’t actually want experiences, they just want clothes that make it appear like they have complicated, interesting lives. If that’s true, hey, we want some of their money too. Here are five ideas for overpriced clothing designed for the person who’d really rather not be bothered to make an effort.
1. Post-Workout T-Shirt, $495
Haven’t exercised in a while? No problem. Just throw on this sweat-drenched t-shirt, with thoroughly soaked armpits and a pleasant locker room odeur, and all your friends and family will assume you’ve been at the gym all morning.
2. I Just Got Back from Coachella Jeans, $450
If you love music festivals but hate the crowds, you can’t live without these pre-rocked denims. They come with beer stains, muddy knees, a vague scent of weed, and even a little sand in the pockets for good measure. These jeans announce to the world, “I slept in a van all week, and it was exhilarating!”
3. One Night Stand Polo, $615
Where were you last night? Judging from the unmistakable aroma of perfume on your shirt, and the telltale smear of lipstick on the collar, you made a new friend. Your pals want details, but a gentleman never tells.
4. Pet Lover’s Sweater, $575
People with pets are just intrinsically more trustworthy, but taking care of a living thing involves so much effort. This sweater, artfully covered in either dog or cat hairs, shows that you have a compassionate side. You’re the kind of person who just likes to snuggle on the couch with your best canine friend—or so they think!
5. Living with Your Parents Sweatpants, $685
The perfect outfit to let people know that they probably don’t want to hit you up for a loan. These custom-distressed sweatpants look like they haven’t been off your body in weeks. They’ve got the rumpled, depressing aesthetic that only comes from living in your parent’s basement. Is that a mustard stain? Oh wow, man, I hope things turn around for you.